Life without Seth Michael has been one of the toughest journeys I’ve had to embark on. There are days
where I have to force myself to get up and just simply live. Some days I push these feelings and
emotions aside because I simply just can’t deal with the pain. Here recently, the sting of his absence has
crept up on me and overtaken my everyday thoughts. I haven’t cried in a long time over him. I haven’t
allowed those emotions to surface, because once the tears start, they won’t stop. I feel so distant from
him and lost at the same time. There are days that I think of him and what he would be doing if he was
here. What would he say about all the changes that have happened in the last year. How grown up the
kids are, and how Jax looks like him more and more. There are times I pick up the phone to call him to
tell him something hilarious because I legitimately forgot he was gone. When the realization sinks in that
he is not here, my mind simply shuts down. Then there are times where all I think about is the day he
died, and the days after that lead up to his funeral. Why is grief so consuming? Why does it have to be
so much harder for us here on Earth to deal with the loss? Why do our emotions fluctuate so drastically
from day to day? Why do you feel guilty for moving on and living? These are constant questions that fill
my mind.

No one can prepare you for how your memories feel like they are fading. No matter how much you
think of them, or how close you were, that feeling is there as more time passes by. We all have been
struggling to feel close to him or to feel any sort of his presence that remained here with us. I hadn’t
dreamt of Seth in a long time. I hadn’t seen a sign that he was sending us letting us know he was ok.
Slowly, I began to feel as if we had lost all of that. We all felt so empty and defeated by how much we
just missed him and wanted to talk to him. Finally, a week ago I had a dream that was so real I woke up
in a fog that I couldn’t shake for the rest of the day.

In my dream, Gini and I received a phone call from the funeral home, telling us that Seth was ready for
us to see him. He explained that enough time had gone by, and we could come up there to visit with him
before it was too late. Gini and I went to the funeral home, and brought Jax with us, only Jax was much
older. When we walked into the room, Seth was lying on a table with a red shirt on and jeans. As we
walked closer, and he knew we were there he started talking and moving around. Gini and I looked at
the funeral director confused and worried and he explained that it is very common for those who have
passed away to be able to say their last words to their loved ones and wait to take their last breath until
they were ready. Gini and I rushed to his side and began telling him all the things we had wanted to
when we found out we had lost him on that day. We hugged his neck and told him how much we loved
him. He simply said “I love you too, and its all going to be ok. I am ok.” He never opened his eyes, he
simply laid there and would start talking, but I don’t know what he was saying. We could hear him and,
in the dream, I knew what he had said, but when I try to remember it just sounds muffled. We called
mom and told her to come so she could say goodbye. Once I was going to hang up the phone and tell
him goodbye and how much I missed him, I woke up.

I still can’t wrap my mind around why I had this dream. Why would we be allowed to see him a year and
3 months later. What was the dream supposed to mean? I always look for signs that he is here. I always
get the feeling he is close, but having such a powerful dream floored me. If only this had been possible. If
only we had been able to see him and sit by his side. That is the part I struggle with the most, I feel no
closure. I feel no sense of this is real because we never saw him after he passed. It still haunts me, it
haunts all of us.

Any month without Seth is a hard one, but especially months that would have meant more if he were
here. September is birthday month for Sophia and I. Last year was the first time I ever had to
celebrate it without receiving a “happy birthday sis” text or phone call. We hadn’t spent a birthday
together in a long time, due to me not living here or him being away in the Army, so a post on Facebook
or a phone call was something we always made a point to do and always meant so much. It hurts to
even think about not receiving that text or phone this year.

Anytime new memories are made, a piece of me is unable to fully take them in and enjoy them. Getting used to a life without Seth has been the
hardest adjustment any of us have had to make. As defeated as we may feel most of the time, we all try
and push forward and live because that is what he would want us to do. As hard as it is to think about
the rest of our lives ahead without him in it, we all are trying our best to make the best of it.
This is the raw ugly truth about grief, there is no right or wrong way to feel. There is no time limit on
how long you grieve. There is no right way to deal with making new memories without your loved ones.
There are just simply no answers on how to live life after experiencing such a tremendous loss. The only
thing I can take from all of this is you just have to make the choice to do it. You must think of the things
that keep you going, sometimes it’s the only way…..